C*********X
发帖数: 10518 | 1 【 以下文字转载自 PKU 讨论区 】
发信人: biter (PP), 信区: PKU
标 题: the last email
发信站: The unknown SPACE (Mon Nov 8 17:08:49 1999) WWW-POST
I just posted this in "Love" board, but it seems something wrong there.
Anyway, since I am from PKU too, I'll just put it here. Hope you don't mind.
Below is the last email I sent to a girl.
I met her a year ago and then something happened.
She (in the email, I used "XX" for her name) is only 19 years old.
She came here at the age of 16 and is trying to enroll the American society.
Now everything is gone, I just hope to get rid of this as soon as possible.
So, for those who is going to fall in love with a young girl,
BE CAREFUL and GOOD LUCK !!
p.s. especially for our PKUers, I know most of our guys have dreams about
meeting wonderful girl. well, one day you'll see the most important thing
in your life is still yourself. Take care, pal!!!
****************************************************************
XX:
Since everything between us is over, this would be the last email I
ever send to you. PLEASE read carefully and PLEASE do NOT reply no matter
what
you want to say. Thanks.
I do not want to hide anything from you. So first let me tell you something
that I did not tell you before. If you already knew this, just read it
again.
Do you know when was the first time I met your Mom? It was not that night
you brought me back to Fort Collins before you moved to campus.
Haha, your Mom and I had to pretend that was the first time we met then!
That was really kind of funny. Actually I talked to her on the phone and
face to face several times. Once when you were not at home, we talked for
2 hours. Your Mom did all her could do for you and knew you very well,
believe me. Although you hid a lot of things from her, she still loves you
with all her heart. You should be proud to have such a great Mom even if
she did not have a good education or could not understand you very well
sometimes.
That was actually in July, before I decided what should I do with you: leave
you alone or help you as most as I could but try hard to get rid of the
feelings I had for you. Actually that talk with your Mom helped me make the
later
decision. You should thank her for whatever I did for you later.
And also I kept contacting your Dad from almost the same time. I sent him a
lot of emails, he replied several times and once called me when I was not at
home. XX, your Dad is one of the greatest fathers around the world !! You
just
do not know how lucky you are!
I know you will not admit that you are in "rebel" period but you are. You are
trying to do everything on the opposite that they would do. Actually I also
believe since at some point whatever I say and whatever I do is also from
traditional Chinese cultural, you also kind of just used them as the "bad
examples", too. It is very natural that everyone has such a period, I just
hope you could go through it as quick as possible.
As for this time, sorry, it was all my own problem. You did nothing wrong.
Actually you did really good and were very nice to me recently, thanks a lot
for those things. The reason for this time is that I just found out I could
not hold the suitable distance as a "brother", too far away or too close will
always make me very nervous. I failed to get rid of the feelings I had. The
truth is that I am still in love with you deeply and still dream someday we
could be together again. I am really sorry but this is the only way I could
do to save myself. I messed up this whole year because of this and I could
not afford to waste any more time.
Of course I saw that Korean girl several times last month, but soon I
realized
I was always trying to find something from her that is alike you and was
always
comparing her and you. Ai, how could she be that dumb? I lost my interest
quickly. I just wish I could be lucky enough to meet another girl like you in
the rest of my life. So Please understand me. In one word, the ONLY reason I
leave you alone is because I love you too much.
Actually I do not care too much what is happening between you and XXX. It
even
did not matter a lot how many times you guys had sex. Oh yea, this is
something
that both of us never mentioned before, although I guess this was one big
reason that you did not like me. But I knew for sure even if we did it that
night, things would only be worse, especially for me. Yes, I am very
traditional
in this case, I always connect sex with two people both in love of each
other.
I treat this case seriously, maybe too serious for you.
Anyway, what I want to say is, believe me, there will be one day you and XXX
break up. As you once said, no relationship could work for you. I am pretty
sure that is right, at least in the recently 3 or 4 years. And I can also
predict the day you guys break up is not too far away. I still remember the
way you talked about XXX's GPA last Thursday. It seems you feel unfair about
that, which should not be the right manner between lovers. If you really love
somebody, if he could get something good, you'll always feel happy for him no
matter by what way he got it. Oh, of course, compared with Jeff, XXX is much
better, I could tell this, at least.
So what really matters is I could not tell what the feelings you had to me.
That is the biggest thing I concern all the times. Even on last Thursday
night,
XX, you said AGAIN that I almost was the only person you could talk to.
Listen
to me, PLEASE never talk that way to a guy if you do not intend to become
his
girlfriend. That would only hurt the guy's feeling. All the time I could not
figure out is what the real altitude you have to me. I guess I see it clear
now, so that is why I leave you alone at last.
See, XX, this is one of your problems. I still remember one word Jeff said,
"I don't like a girl who could not speak her mind". That is definitely
right.
You are such a girl. Maybe you think a lot, but it seems you do not have the
ability to make things clear cut-off. The result of your thoughts is always
putting everything in a mess. That happened before when you was with Jeff
and
this time happened again that Sunday when XXX was angry. This is something I
really dislike, XX. Try to think like an engineer, step by step, do not make
t
hings cross to each other. Make everything clear, especially in your personal
relationships. If you have to break up with someone, do it affirmly, if you
feel you don't like anyone, stop seeing him at once. Don't just drag it and
bring pain to all of you guys.
Honestly, after this two months, I found out that you are not that smart as I
s
uppose you should be. I did not like the way you deal with many things like
going Aurora to buy car, like to have such a rush dinner in that Chinese
restaurant, like you insist going to Denver that night. And you never told
me what you plan was when you came to my place these several times, always
suddenly you said "I got to go" and then left. What the hell ? It is a good
habit before you do something with someone else, tell him what you are
planning.
Ok, that is one thing I like to say. Another thing, which I think is more
important, is the altitude to your life. Still remember I said "how poor you
are" when you told me what you want to do before 28? XX, you could not
imagine
how sad I was when I was listening to that. I know now you will think what I
will say here are totally bullshit, but one day you'll find it is true. XX,
family is at least as important as your career if it is not more, believe me.
Everyone needs to find love, everyone needs his lover to get the support and
comfort and courage to move on in this tough world. There is no way you can
just plan your career and care nothing about your relationship.
The simple reason here is we are human beings, not machines. I just hope you
could think about it although another thing I dislike is I found out you do
not care most of the words I ever said to you. "Just like wasting my time,
what is the point ? Is it worthy to do that ?" those are my thoughts
sometimes,
XX. And that hurts, too.
Also, maybe you'll say this is absurd but I think this is the way only really
smart people could do: plan to do something great in your life, but be
satisfied if at the end it turned out that you are just a normal people
as others. Like in that famous song, "as that for fortune, as that for
fame, 卼hey are illusions, they are not the solutions they promise to be."
I never think those are the objectives to live, and as I asked you that
night,
why you want to have your own company ? PLEASE think about it sometime, OK ?
Do something you want to do and know the reason why you want to do, Don't do
something just because everyone else is doing it, Don't "Just do it". (I
think
that is one of the worst ads, hate Nike. ) Once when I had dinner with
Professor *** (really miss him sometimes) before he left, he told me a story
and gave me a conclusion like this: "the most important thing in life is not
what you have done, is whom you are with in your life, is what kind of people
you spend your time with". Another interesting point I read once is " The
standard to judge a person is NOT by looking at what he has done, on the
contrast, is what he did NOT do in his life." Well, too hard to understand,
en ? I just want to give your some ideas to think.
Another point is have your own time. What I mean is, see, you are busy
studying,
working and spending time going out. You are doing all this things that you
"have to" do. Give yourself you own time. Maybe do nothing but just enjoy
being
alone, or think about what happened in the recent several days, or even just
read a book you like, or listen to some your favorite music or go out for a
walk looking at the clouds and the mountains. The point here is to relax
your
heart, let it be really calm. Only then could you know yourself more
clearly.
It won't take too much time but will benefit you all your life.
You know, XX, I was surprised that you could not be able to listen to
Beethoven's
music. I was very disappointed that you found it unbearable.
As for me, pop songs are just something in the surface like cheap, dirty fast
food, only true music could go into your heart. Now it seems you even do not
have your heart, or in other words, your own character now. One of the signs
that you become mature is you could enjoy this kind of music, believe me.
Another thing I like to mention is: please care about others a little bit
more. Don't just think of yourself all the time, don't just want to get
something from others, instead, give something, care about what is going on
with your parents and friends. If you could not show your concern when they
need it, you'll not get it when you are in trouble except from your parents.
One bad thing I felt is that you are like using me all the time. When you
need somebody to be a company, or need some advice or help, then you called
me. You even seldom ask "how is going?" "how is your midterm?" etc. I don't
know if you could tell that I am always in great pain when I was with you, I
guess not. You don't know how hard I tried to hide my feelings and the truth
is, you just don't care. That is really, really bad. I knew you are selfish
as I said before, if you could not love others, no matter how good a guy you
get, he will go away one day for sure.
I knew you more now and it was clear that you are really a weak and poor
girl.
Of course you don't think so, you think you are powerful, you think you could
do anything you want and yes, you are trying everything. But let me tell you
something, those people who got drown are those who could swim;
those people who got cheated or fooled are those who thought they were smart;
those people who were controlled by others are those who thought that
themselves
were in control. You got to know yourself more, knowing one of your
shortcomings worth more than knowing all of your merits. Knowing something
you could not do will only make you more powerful.
Of course I do not mean you do not have power, I just want you realize that
there is limit for everyone. As I said in that stupid letter I wrote you,
"Zhong 1 Yong 1" is the basic truth of everything. (Here I suddenly
remembered
one thing: how come you never mentioned that letter ? You make me doubt the
talent I had for Chinese essay, I guess the only reason is that your don't
read many Chinese material and could not tell how good an article it is.
Could you believe I ever won a girl's heart just by one letter ?)
XX, it has been a pleasure to get to know you. I could not even dare dream
of this one year before. Of course, it seems you only bring me more pain
than delight. But I know I also learned a lot from this. I knew myself more
clear and improved myself in a way thanks to you. I could not list all the
good things I got because I know most of them would come sometime later
when I reviewed this again. You are a beautiful, smart and nice girl,
it is a great pity for me that could not stay with you anymore. Oh, god,
how I wonder if I could be 19 again !!
Still I have a lot of things want to tell you but I got to stop because I
feel I am drunk now. Anyway, thanks for all the things, thanks for the time
you spend with me, and thanks for just being yourself.
I would like to end with this poem:
Doubt thou the stars are fire
Doubt that the sun doth move
Doubt truth to be a liar
But never doubt I love
Ai, what a relief I am feeling now ! I will not feel envy, sad, or pain
anymore from now. I don't know how long I need to get this over, but I
know for sure: Time will change everything.
So, it is time to say "bye", once again, I hope you could understand me.
I don't want to do this, either. But then maybe I'll die because of this.
All of these are my fault, I am always wrong, SORRY !!!
How about a weird ending at this time: XX, if both of us are still
available after Feb 7th, 2005 and somehow somewhere we meet again, then,
Will you marry me ?
- Love for ever , |
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