M*********t
发帖数: 260 | 1 This is an interesting article. Would like to share with readers who are
looking for a Happy MArriage.
Happy New Year to every beautiful single!!! :)
Sustainable Love
The Happy Marriage Is the ‘Me’ Marriage
By TARA PARKER-POPE
Published: December 31, 2010
A lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage. Plenty of
miserable couples have stayed together for children, religion or other
practical reasons.
But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together. They want a
relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a
sustainable marriage.
“The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication
skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that
allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who
directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University
of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it
meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.”
The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the
individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to
be about putting the relationship first?
Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social
institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were
secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern
relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners
who make their lives more interesting.
Caryl Rusbult, a researcher at Vrije University in Amsterdam who died last
January, called it the “Michelangelo effect,” referring to the manner in
which close partners “sculpt” each other in ways that help each of them
attain valued goals.
Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in
New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate
knowledge and experiences, a process called “self-expansion.” Research
shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the
more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship.
To measure this, Dr. Lewandowski developed a series of questions for couples
How much has knowing your partner made you a better person? (Take the full
quiz measuring self-expansion.)
While the notion of self-expansion may sound inherently self-serving, it can
lead to stronger, more sustainable relationships, Dr. Lewandowski says.
“If you’re seeking self-growth and obtain it from your partner, then that
puts your partner in a pretty important position,” he explains. “And being
able to help your partner’s self-expansion would be pretty pleasing to
yourself.”
The concept explains why people are delighted when dates treat them to new
experiences, like a weekend away. But self-expansion isn’t just about
exotic experiences. Individuals experience personal growth through their
partners in big and small ways. It happens when they introduce new friends,
or casually talk about a new restaurant or a fascinating story in the news.
The effect of self-expansion is particularly pronounced when people first
fall in love. In research at the University of California at Santa Cruz, 325
undergraduate students were given questionnaires five times over 10 weeks.
They were asked, “Who are you today?” and given three minutes to describe
themselves. They were also asked about recent experiences, including whether
they had fallen in love.
After students reported falling in love, they used more varied words in
their self-descriptions. The new relationships had literally broadened the
way they looked at themselves.
“You go from being a stranger to including this person in the self, so you
suddenly have all of these social roles and identities you didn’t have
before,” explains Dr. Aron, who co-authored the research. “When people
fall in love that happens rapidly, and it’s very exhilarating.”
Over time, the personal gains from lasting relationships are often subtle.
Having a partner who is funny or creative adds something new to someone who
isn’t. A partner who is an active community volunteer creates new social
opportunities for a spouse who spends long hours at work.
Additional research suggests that spouses eventually adopt the traits of the
other — and become slower to distinguish differences between them, or
slower to remember which skills belong to which spouse.
In experiments by Dr. Aron, participants rated themselves and their partners
on a variety of traits, like “ambitious” or “artistic.” A week later,
the subjects returned to the lab and were shown the list of traits and asked
to indicate which ones described them.
People responded the quickest to traits that were true of both them and
their partner. When the trait described only one person, the answer came
more slowly. The delay was measured in milliseconds, but nonetheless
suggested that when individuals were particularly close to someone, their
brains were slower to distinguish between their traits and those of their
spouses.
“It’s easy to answer those questions if you’re both the same,” Dr.
Lewandowski explains. “But if it’s just true of you and not of me, then I
have to sort it out. It happens very quickly, but I have to ask myself, ‘Is
that me or is that you?’ ”
It’s not that these couples lost themselves in the marriage; instead, they
grew in it. Activities, traits and behaviors that had not been part of their
identity before the relationship were now an essential part of how they
experienced life.
All of this can be highly predictive for a couple's long-term happiness. One
scale designed by Dr. Aron and colleagues depicts seven pairs of circles.
The first set is side by side. With each new set, the circles begin to
overlap until they are nearly on top of one another. Couples choose the set
of circles that best represents their relationship. In a 2009 report in the
journal Psychological Science, people bored in their marriages were more
likely to choose the more separate circles. Partners involved in novel and
interesting experiences together were more likely to pick one of the
overlapping circles and less likely to report boredom. “People have a
fundamental motivation to improve the self and add to who they are as a
person,” Dr. Lewandowski says. “If your partner is helping you become a
better person, you become happier and more satisfied in the relationship.” | G***G
发帖数: 16778 | 2 great article.
but I still want to say the unhappy marriage is also the 'me' marriage.
【在 M*********t 的大作中提到】
: This is an interesting article. Would like to share with readers who are
: looking for a Happy MArriage.
: Happy New Year to every beautiful single!!! :)
: Sustainable Love
: The Happy Marriage Is the ‘Me’ Marriage
: By TARA PARKER-POPE
: Published: December 31, 2010
: A lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage. Plenty of
: miserable couples have stayed together for children, religion or other
: practical reasons.
| d********g
发帖数: 7458 | | M*********t
发帖数: 260 | 4 下春：我其实觉得这篇文章挺有道理的。如果互相不能给彼此带来知识或者兴趣爱好的
扩展，就很容易缺乏新鲜感，生活就会变得乏味。如果和你在一起的人让你觉得自己每
天都在成长，经历着有意义的事情，你岂不是每天都很充实快乐？ 就是这个道理吧：
） | A*****t
发帖数: 1594 | 5 哪位好心人给总结/翻译一下， 什么叫做me marriage? 这文章谁写的 利利索索也没说
清楚。 文采不如teller,逻辑不如夜心. | Y**********n
发帖数: 3853 | 6 你给他们解释解释吧， 有些人太年轻，看不懂。
【在 G***G 的大作中提到】
: great article.
: but I still want to say the unhappy marriage is also the 'me' marriage.
| A*****t
发帖数: 1594 | 7 在补充一点， 简练不如有米有盐。 到底什么是me marriage? | G***G
发帖数: 16778 | 8 very interesting article. My understanding are
1)love is a kind of relationship we can use to accumulate knowledge and
experience.
traditionally, we thought love is forgiving and giving.
2)Love is kind of like this,
the more you give to your partner, the more you can get back.
the less you get from your partner, the less you would give and the less
committed and satifised you are in the relationship.
3)Letting your partner meet another friends with opposite sex will
increase his or her social roles and identities he or she didn't have before.
4) Your lover doesn't necessarily need your money, your house, or your green
card, but he or she really needs somethings which can make her or him happy.
【在 d********g 的大作中提到】
: 太学院派了
: 半天都不知道说什么
| d********g
发帖数: 7458 | 9 是这个道理啊啊啊：）
不过这也要看人。能够不断学习不断成长的人，乐于改变自我的人，可以把平凡的生活
过得妙趣横生的人，可遇而不可求。
既然你喜欢英文长篇，就回赠你一篇我喜欢的，虽然我把这篇到处贴过很多次了。。。
SCIENTISTS have discovered true love.
Brain scans have proved that a small number of couples can respond with as
much passion after 20 years as most people exhibit only in the first flush
of love.
The findings overturn the conventional view that love and sexual desire peak
at the start of a relationship and then decline as the years pass.
A team from Stony Brook University in New York scanned the brains of couples
who had been together for 20 years and compared them with those of new
lovers. They found that about one in 10 of the mature couples exhibited the
same chemical reactions when shown photographs of their loved ones as people
commonly do in the early stages of a relationship.
Previous research suggested that the first stages of romantic love, a
rollercoaster ride of mood swings and obsessions that psychologists call
limerence, start to fade within 15 months. After 10 years the chemical tide
has ebbed away.
The scans of some of the long-term couples, however, revealed that elements
of limerence mature, enabling them to enjoy what a new report calls “
intensive companionship and sexual liveliness”.
The researchers nicknamed the couples “swans” because they have similar
mental “love maps” to animals that mate for life such as swans, voles and
grey foxes.
The reactions of the swans to pictures of their beloved were identified on
MRI brain scans as a burst of pleasure-producing dopamine more commonly seen
in couples who are gripped in the first flush of lust.
“The findings go against the traditional view of romance – that it drops
off sharply in the first decade – but we are sure it’s real,” said Arthur
Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook.
Previous research had laid out the “fracture points” in relationships as
12-15 months, three years and the infamous seven-year itch.
Aron said when he first interviewed people claiming they were still in love
after an average of 21 years he thought they were fooling themselves: “But
this is what the brain scans tell us and people can’t fake that.”
One pair of Aron’s swans are Billy and Michelle Jordon who, 18 years after
they met, still make their friends envious. The couple, who live in Newport
Beach, California, hold hands all the time. “It comes very naturally,”
said Michelle, 59.
Lisa Baber, 40, and her husband David, 46, from Bristol, say they still feel
the same frisson as when they got together 17 years ago.
“He was crazy and so exciting, he whisked me off my feet,” said Lisa. “
That excitement is very much alive. We make sure our lives are always
changing.”
Other couples who have kept their passion include Tony and Cherie Blair and
Michael and Shakira Caine. Michael Howard, the former Tory leader, and his
wife Sandra have been together for more than 30 years.
Aron said he and his wife Elaine, both 64, have a strong relationship but
were a little jealous of the swans. “Their relationships are intense and
sexually active, too, without many of the downsides of first love,” he said
last week.
【在 M*********t 的大作中提到】
: 下春：我其实觉得这篇文章挺有道理的。如果互相不能给彼此带来知识或者兴趣爱好的
: 扩展，就很容易缺乏新鲜感，生活就会变得乏味。如果和你在一起的人让你觉得自己每
: 天都在成长，经历着有意义的事情，你岂不是每天都很充实快乐？ 就是这个道理吧：
: ）
| h*****e
发帖数: 2988 | 10 "me, me, me", in contrast to "we, we, we"
【在 A*****t 的大作中提到】
: 在补充一点， 简练不如有米有盐。 到底什么是me marriage?
| | | A*****t
发帖数: 1594 | 11 真是够扯的。 this is equivalently saying '自己每 | G***G
发帖数: 16778 | 12 me marriage means a marriage which is perfect and that you feel
proud of and are happy with.
I don't completely agree with the point of view in the article.
I believe any marriage is 'me marriage' whether it is happy or unhappy.
【在 A*****t 的大作中提到】
: 在补充一点， 简练不如有米有盐。 到底什么是me marriage?
| G***G
发帖数: 16778 | 13 not 'depends on'
but 'is made by you from'
【在 A*****t 的大作中提到】
: 真是够扯的。 this is equivalently saying '自己每
| A*****t
发帖数: 1594 | 14
proud of a
nd are happy with."
原来是建立在循环论证的基础上。 夜心的文章看多了 我老逻辑水平大涨啊。
n't completely agree with the point of view in the article.
【在 G***G 的大作中提到】
: me marriage means a marriage which is perfect and that you feel
: proud of and are happy with.
: I don't completely agree with the point of view in the article.
: I believe any marriage is 'me marriage' whether it is happy or unhappy.
| h*****e
发帖数: 2988 | 15 第一句和第三句是矛盾的
【在 G***G 的大作中提到】
: me marriage means a marriage which is perfect and that you feel
: proud of and are happy with.
: I don't completely agree with the point of view in the article.
: I believe any marriage is 'me marriage' whether it is happy or unhappy.
| A*****t
发帖数: 1594 | 16 就算是made by you from, 这个功能完全不需要marriage来实现嘛. lol.
【在 G***G 的大作中提到】
: not 'depends on'
: but 'is made by you from'
| G***G
发帖数: 16778 | 17 it is if you think so.
I just think life is 'my life' no matter whether it is bitter or not.
【在 h*****e 的大作中提到】
: 第一句和第三句是矛盾的
| h*****e
发帖数: 2988 | 18 文科生？
【在 G***G 的大作中提到】
: it is if you think so.
: I just think life is 'my life' no matter whether it is bitter or not.
| G***G
发帖数: 16778 | 19 no. computer science.
【在 h*****e 的大作中提到】
: 文科生？
| h*****e
发帖数: 2988 | 20 Me marriage 是相对于 We marriage, 说的是在婚姻中 me first 还是 I choose us
的态度，跟my life, my marriage 没
关系。
【在 G***G 的大作中提到】
: it is if you think so.
: I just think life is 'my life' no matter whether it is bitter or not.
| | | G***G
发帖数: 16778 | 21 thank you.
【在 h*****e 的大作中提到】
: Me marriage 是相对于 We marriage, 说的是在婚姻中 me first 还是 I choose us
: 的态度，跟my life, my marriage 没
: 关系。
| A*****t
发帖数: 1594 | 22 说了半天 连marriage的毛都没有说到。 一般的朋友，同事，邻居关系都能满足这4点关
系。
1. 朋友聊天可以增进知识和经验。
2.就更不用说了。
3.通过朋友可以认识更多的朋友，增进social role
4.朋友不需要你的金钱，房子，绿卡 lol.
甚至连网友都可以满足这些条件。 lol.
before.
【在 G***G 的大作中提到】
: very interesting article. My understanding are
: 1)love is a kind of relationship we can use to accumulate knowledge and
: experience.
: traditionally, we thought love is forgiving and giving.
: 2)Love is kind of like this,
: the more you give to your partner, the more you can get back.
: the less you get from your partner, the less you would give and the less
: committed and satifised you are in the relationship.
: 3)Letting your partner meet another friends with opposite sex will
: increase his or her social roles and identities he or she didn't have before.
| h*****e
发帖数: 2988 | 23 知识和兴趣是没用的，只有社会地位的改变才能真正带来新鲜感，而保证能够事业蒸蒸
日上的人是很少很少
的，甚至根本就没有，到一定位置\年龄之后，不走下坡路已经就很不容易了
【在 M*********t 的大作中提到】
: 下春：我其实觉得这篇文章挺有道理的。如果互相不能给彼此带来知识或者兴趣爱好的
: 扩展，就很容易缺乏新鲜感，生活就会变得乏味。如果和你在一起的人让你觉得自己每
: 天都在成长，经历着有意义的事情，你岂不是每天都很充实快乐？ 就是这个道理吧：
: ）
| A*****t
发帖数: 1594 | 24 Nod. 终于明白杨82/28 是怎么回事了， 可以增进知识，阅历，通过对方认识更多的人
，提升社会地位， 基本都说全了啊。 | F******a
发帖数: 313 | |
|
