s***n
发帖数: 812 | 1 I can still feel the darkness on my back, warm and heavy
In the glow of the lamp, pale and wavy
From my childhood with my favorite melody
Those burning melodies that still come and go
After so many years drained in the giant boat
The boat flows in a dream, savory and corrupt
The plots of which I shall not grasp
From which I will not wake up
So let the morning beams never arrive
Let the tides wash the horizon all white
But once upon a time
When I still have all the days and nights
In my room before I turn on the light
There sits the child in my chair
The footsteps just slipped into the stairs |
s***n
发帖数: 812 | 2 这只小诗俗不可耐。。。
我目前以为称得上positive得有：与前面几只练习结构上不同：这只三个stanza是慢、
快、慢，押韵也游戏了一下。另一方面因为有前作准备，这只结构更完整，过渡更自然。
此外就实在乏善可陈了。
【在 s***n 的大作中提到】
: I can still feel the darkness on my back, warm and heavy
: In the glow of the lamp, pale and wavy
: From my childhood with my favorite melody
: Those burning melodies that still come and go
: After so many years drained in the giant boat
: The boat flows in a dream, savory and corrupt
: The plots of which I shall not grasp
: From which I will not wake up
: So let the morning beams never arrive
: Let the tides wash the horizon all white
|
w*a
发帖数: 2138 | 3 Those burning melody that still comes and goes 单复数有点混。最后一段是故意
时态不一致吗？
【在 s***n 的大作中提到】
: I can still feel the darkness on my back, warm and heavy
: In the glow of the lamp, pale and wavy
: From my childhood with my favorite melody
: Those burning melodies that still come and go
: After so many years drained in the giant boat
: The boat flows in a dream, savory and corrupt
: The plots of which I shall not grasp
: From which I will not wake up
: So let the morning beams never arrive
: Let the tides wash the horizon all white
|
s***n
发帖数: 812 | 4 恩，恩 :)
【在 w*a 的大作中提到】
: Those burning melody that still comes and goes 单复数有点混。最后一段是故意
: 时态不一致吗？
|
l*****d
发帖数: 7963 | 5 those 去掉就好
【在 w*a 的大作中提到】
: Those burning melody that still comes and goes 单复数有点混。最后一段是故意
: 时态不一致吗？
|
i***a
发帖数: 11826 | 6 这个those要是用中世纪古英文写法类似的词，可能很有意思。 |
