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发帖数: 29846 | 1 Straight Talk from Bernie Sanders
Rachel Alexander | Aug 17, 2015
The following column is satire.
Fellow Comrades, Socialists, Proles, and Occupy Wall Street allies,
Merci beaucoup (that means thanks very much in French - always have to throw
in a reminder of my favorite country) for biking, walking, taking public
transportation, electric or hybrid vehicles, carpooling or however else you
made it here. I want to to talk about the most serious problem facing our
country right now. Fast food workers are unable to make a living on $15 an
hour. These workers shouldn’t have to get second jobs or cut down on their
spending habits. Everyone is entitled to an iPhone or a Samsung S6 now; you
heard me announce it here first, it’s a right! Granted, I can’t afford to
pay the interns working on my campaign more than $12 an hour. But that’s
beside the point.
I read a good article recently, entitled Scandinavia Isn’t a Socialist
Paradise. Brothers and sisters, I have some good news. Due to those
countries retreating from socialism (they must not have implemented it
properly, because I can’t understand why it wouldn’t work), they're no
longer much further ahead than we are and are no longer countries to emulate
. With the exception of Denmark, the other Scandinavian countries pay almost
the same amount in taxes as we do. We can triumphantly say we’ve caught up
in the taxation of our people for the common good, although they're still
ahead of us on letting in lots of Muslim immigrants.
I’d like to give a shout out to my Occupy Wall Street supporters. I feel
your pain. Even though I’m worth $460,000, which puts me in the top one
percent, I’m only a millionaire, not a billionaire. That’s why I’m
careful to say, “The billionaires are on the warpath.” Plus, every time I
note that I’m white and attended the prestigious University of Chicago, I
always add “check my privilege” to qualify it. Let’s not point out how
many of YOU have the newest MacBook Pro, iPad, iPhone, etc. Just keep the
pressure on and let’s flip this country around and take it back from Wall
Street!
name!”>
Look, I wish I was black. I feel very guilty. I’ve thought about changing
my race like Rachel Dolezal did. But I’ve been advised with my facial
features I couldn’t pull it off realistically. At least you girls here
protesting have iPhones, designer handbags and clothes, elaborate hair and
manicured nails, so you’re obviously not wanting for money like those poor
fast food workers. I know a lot of middle class folks who are foregoing
extras like that right now, unable to get enough hours to work, often
supporting several children. Fortunately, most of you protesters are young
and have time to spend protesting since you don’t have any children to take
care of. You are the future!
Some candidates run for office and have no agenda. You can’t accuse me of
that. I’ve got a 3-point plan. As the first socialist candidate to
successfully make it this far within the Democratic Party, I am announcing
here first an effort to change the Democrat’s donkey symbol to a fist. The
donkey is silly and no one respects it. With the fist as our symbol, we will
appear fierce, and can seamlessly merge with the Socialist Party. Years ago
, I never thought I would run as a Democrat. Now, I can’t tell the two
parties apart. Socialized healthcare, a $15 minimum wage, free college
education and growing the size of government at a remarkable pace. It’s a
good time to be a socialist in America!
Second, I am going to form a Central Committee to legalize marijuana
nationwide. I treasure my memories camping out, smoking joints and becoming
high as a kite while listening to The Grateful Dead. I think all Americans
should be able to enjoy experiences like that.
Third, you’ve heard me rail against big corporate contributions buying
elections. I’m going to end all that. The only large contributions
candidates should be allowed to receive should come from unions. I’m proud
to say that the Machinists/Aerospace Workers Union is responsible for
sending $105,000 my way over the years. Close behind is Teamsters, with $93,
700. In fact the top 20 contributors to my campaigns have been almost all
union related. In all socialist countries, unions rule!
If you want an old white guy and “pot-smoking socialist” (as Barack Obama
called me) in the White House, I’m your guy. Sure, marijuana is more
harmful than people admit, but so far no one has been able to prove that I
personally have lost brain cells from pot smoking. I think it adds to my
coolness factor, and unlike Obama, who slinks around hiding cigarettes, I
have the guts to smoke a joint inside the White House.
A political revolution is coming and we are the vanguard. Tell all your
neighbors and comrades to vote for B.S.! |
