P*******g
发帖数: 70 | 1 Sorry about not typing in Chinese. Normally, your boss will not install
Chinese input on your work computer. I’ve been struggling with my marriage
lately and like to get some perspective from you who have similar background
as me. Like what we always say - If one is personally involved in a matter,
it is easy to blind oneself to the truth. However, if one is not involved
the matter, it is possible to see things more clearly.
So, if you interested, please continue.
Background – I’m thirty-year-old Chinese American guy. My office job is
very stable and somewhat boring to me. I grow up in China and immigrated to
US when I was 18. Finished my education and got a job. Nothing special. My
parents are typical first-gen immigrants who work hard labor jobs to survive
in US. My wife is Chinese as well. She came to US when she was 13. Her
parents are professors at major Universities. She just recently graduated
and starting working. We have been married three years now.
Here is the problem – I just recently found out that we have totally
different life perspective. From my experience, I hate to struggle to
survive like my parents. So, I work hard to improve my living situation. I
graduated 3 years ago and married about the same time. Ever since becoming a
married man, I completely took over the living burden. I support my wife’s
school, her living expense (food, rent, car, travel) for three years. I
even managed to pay some of her high interest student loans. As I switching
job to relocate to the city me and wife both liked, my pay gets a nice
increase as well. I bought a somewhat nice house.
Then, finally, she graduated. Then there comes the problem. It turns out she
blames me for the past three years because the support I provide also gave
her a ton of physiological burden. She feels she own me so much and afraid
to speak up for herself. She said I took the most important dream of hers –
a two-month vacation trip to Europe. She feels that rather spending the
money on the house we live in or the new Lexus she drives now, we should be
spending the money on the European trip. She’d rather live in an efficiency
apartment and have the freedom to go to Europe.
Well, I understand people have different perspectives for life. But, I just
can’t justify putting a trip to Europe in front of the quality life I’m
living in. I thought when we get married; the wedding vow “to have two kids
and dog living in suburb XXXX city” supposed to represent the life we want
to live. (PS: we wrote the wedding ceremony vows ourselves instead of “
till death do us apart” crap)
Don’t get me wrong, I like travel a lot. I’d love to travel to Europe for
two months. But, I have to set myself in a comfy living status. Her point is
that the mortgage will be liability to stop her plan traveling to Europe.
So, first thing she does when she graduated is to “AA” with me on our
expenses. I can’t say I want blame her for doing so. What we want for life
has so many differences. She wants a life that she can freely blow out her
credit and declare bankruptcy which she did before we married. All she cared
about is to enjoy the things she likes – EX: Europe trip. I want to build
a family – wife, kids, nice house, nice cars, and steady income. Of cause,
occasionally vacation to Hawaii, Europe, Japan and whatever.
Thanks for reading my story. Feel free to point out what I did is cause of
our problem. Any suggestions? | t*******y
发帖数: 2424 | 2 你都知道她有前科还娶，就不用咯嗦
marriage
background
matter,
to
【在 P*******g 的大作中提到】
: Sorry about not typing in Chinese. Normally, your boss will not install
: Chinese input on your work computer. I’ve been struggling with my marriage
: lately and like to get some perspective from you who have similar background
: as me. Like what we always say - If one is personally involved in a matter,
: it is easy to blind oneself to the truth. However, if one is not involved
: the matter, it is possible to see things more clearly.
: So, if you interested, please continue.
: Background – I’m thirty-year-old Chinese American guy. My office job is
: very stable and somewhat boring to me. I grow up in China and immigrated to
: US when I was 18. Finished my education and got a job. Nothing special. My
| m*****e
发帖数: 92 | 3 Either one is OK
House first or Europe first.
She is too american. | e****u
发帖数: 121 | 4 perhaps let her travel alone with some acceptable budget. But she has to
take your feeling into consideration. Love is more important than her 'DREAM
'. | b***b
发帖数: 13249 | 5 I don't think your marriage has any true problem.
Just take nice time going to Europe, complete almost all her dreams, before
you start a real family -- kids!!! Money can come when it goes! Don't spend
much on the house when you have no real family now (you don't have kids,
right? )
Rent out this big house, rent an apartment, save money and go to Europe with
your wife if you truely love her.
marriage
background
matter,
to
【在 P*******g 的大作中提到】
: Sorry about not typing in Chinese. Normally, your boss will not install
: Chinese input on your work computer. I’ve been struggling with my marriage
: lately and like to get some perspective from you who have similar background
: as me. Like what we always say - If one is personally involved in a matter,
: it is easy to blind oneself to the truth. However, if one is not involved
: the matter, it is possible to see things more clearly.
: So, if you interested, please continue.
: Background – I’m thirty-year-old Chinese American guy. My office job is
: very stable and somewhat boring to me. I grow up in China and immigrated to
: US when I was 18. Finished my education and got a job. Nothing special. My
| P*******g
发帖数: 70 | 6 Thanks for all the comments.
Bbppb,
Well, the expenses for day to day life will only run about $5000. That's
include the house and all other expenses. My income will easily cover all of
this. With her earning almost as much as me. We can afford the trip fairly
easy in the near future. What I get stuck in my mind is that I feel she don'
t value the same thing I value. She does not appreciate the effort I made
for this family. You are right, we don't have kids. I'm not sure I want to
have kids with someone who is unresponsive as her. I don't know. Maybe I'm
so narrow minded....... | l*******r
发帖数: 713 | 7 Maybe she is too young. She will understand you when she gets older.
of
fairly
don'
【在 P*******g 的大作中提到】
: Thanks for all the comments.
: Bbppb,
: Well, the expenses for day to day life will only run about $5000. That's
: include the house and all other expenses. My income will easily cover all of
: this. With her earning almost as much as me. We can afford the trip fairly
: easy in the near future. What I get stuck in my mind is that I feel she don'
: t value the same thing I value. She does not appreciate the effort I made
: for this family. You are right, we don't have kids. I'm not sure I want to
: have kids with someone who is unresponsive as her. I don't know. Maybe I'm
: so narrow minded.......
| r*********4
发帖数: 718 | 8 还是那句话，三观不同最好不要结婚。无所谓谁对谁错。我知道有个同事曾经因为要周
游世界和女朋友分手，因为钱不够两人的花销。当时觉得匪夷所思，现在看你这个case
有些理解了，真是人各有志。
marriage
background
matter,
【在 P*******g 的大作中提到】
: Sorry about not typing in Chinese. Normally, your boss will not install
: Chinese input on your work computer. I’ve been struggling with my marriage
: lately and like to get some perspective from you who have similar background
: as me. Like what we always say - If one is personally involved in a matter,
: it is easy to blind oneself to the truth. However, if one is not involved
: the matter, it is possible to see things more clearly.
: So, if you interested, please continue.
: Background – I’m thirty-year-old Chinese American guy. My office job is
: very stable and somewhat boring to me. I grow up in China and immigrated to
: US when I was 18. Finished my education and got a job. Nothing special. My
| G***G
发帖数: 16778 | 9 no suggestions.
divorce.
marriage
background
matter,
to
【在 P*******g 的大作中提到】
: Sorry about not typing in Chinese. Normally, your boss will not install
: Chinese input on your work computer. I’ve been struggling with my marriage
: lately and like to get some perspective from you who have similar background
: as me. Like what we always say - If one is personally involved in a matter,
: it is easy to blind oneself to the truth. However, if one is not involved
: the matter, it is possible to see things more clearly.
: So, if you interested, please continue.
: Background – I’m thirty-year-old Chinese American guy. My office job is
: very stable and somewhat boring to me. I grow up in China and immigrated to
: US when I was 18. Finished my education and got a job. Nothing special. My
| G***G
发帖数: 16778 | 10 Your wife doesn't deserve you.
of
fairly
don'
【在 P*******g 的大作中提到】
: Thanks for all the comments.
: Bbppb,
: Well, the expenses for day to day life will only run about $5000. That's
: include the house and all other expenses. My income will easily cover all of
: this. With her earning almost as much as me. We can afford the trip fairly
: easy in the near future. What I get stuck in my mind is that I feel she don'
: t value the same thing I value. She does not appreciate the effort I made
: for this family. You are right, we don't have kids. I'm not sure I want to
: have kids with someone who is unresponsive as her. I don't know. Maybe I'm
: so narrow minded.......
| | | s*********t
发帖数: 4279 | 11 You are a very nice guy. It seems your two characters are not that match.
This is why you two are attracted to each other. But the differences become
very obvious after the marriage. Live with the differences until you can not
bear with it anymore.
Current situation is fine for you I think. If you want kids with your wife
or not, just trust your six sense. If you feel she is not ready, then there
is no need to rush to have kids.
of
fairly
don'
【在 P*******g 的大作中提到】
: Thanks for all the comments.
: Bbppb,
: Well, the expenses for day to day life will only run about $5000. That's
: include the house and all other expenses. My income will easily cover all of
: this. With her earning almost as much as me. We can afford the trip fairly
: easy in the near future. What I get stuck in my mind is that I feel she don'
: t value the same thing I value. She does not appreciate the effort I made
: for this family. You are right, we don't have kids. I'm not sure I want to
: have kids with someone who is unresponsive as her. I don't know. Maybe I'm
: so narrow minded.......
| f**l
发帖数: 2041 | 12 这个问题可能很严重，也可能没什么。记住一点，这事儿没有对错。就是人生观不一样
罢了。如果你们都还没有那么定型，也许多谈谈可以取得一个中间值吧。她多大了？你
们在一起经常谈论将来么？如果她真的追求的是对credit和future那么不放在心上的“
浪漫”，那我觉得你这个问题无解，两人都会过的很不开心的。
说个故事，虽然和你这个关系不大，就是想起来了。
我朋友工作的公司，里面有个老技术员。技术非常出色，干活也卖力，工作了几十年，
有一天突然接到银行通知，他们因为债务问题房子要被银行收了。他大吃一惊。原来他
觉得自己挣钱养家，他老婆维持开销就好了，从来不过问家里的钱怎么花。结果他老婆
很好玩，信用卡永远只支付minimum payment。结果很多年下来，他的工资终于不够开
销了。然后他老婆就停止支付房子的贷款。。。
故事的结局很惨。这老哥郁闷之下开始酗酒。老板警告多次之后只好把他开除了。回家
一个月之后这人就死于酗酒。这是真事儿。找太太，还是不能找脑子里少根筋的。
marriage
background
matter,
to
【在 P*******g 的大作中提到】
: Sorry about not typing in Chinese. Normally, your boss will not install
: Chinese input on your work computer. I’ve been struggling with my marriage
: lately and like to get some perspective from you who have similar background
: as me. Like what we always say - If one is personally involved in a matter,
: it is easy to blind oneself to the truth. However, if one is not involved
: the matter, it is possible to see things more clearly.
: So, if you interested, please continue.
: Background – I’m thirty-year-old Chinese American guy. My office job is
: very stable and somewhat boring to me. I grow up in China and immigrated to
: US when I was 18. Finished my education and got a job. Nothing special. My
| x****n
发帖数: 950 | 13 You married a wrong woman. Greedy, ungrateful, selfish. Frankly I don't
think she ever loved you. She just "used" you. She has no intention to
"build a family" with you. AA right after she get a job ? That's just
disgusting.
marriage
background
matter,
to
【在 P*******g 的大作中提到】
: Sorry about not typing in Chinese. Normally, your boss will not install
: Chinese input on your work computer. I’ve been struggling with my marriage
: lately and like to get some perspective from you who have similar background
: as me. Like what we always say - If one is personally involved in a matter,
: it is easy to blind oneself to the truth. However, if one is not involved
: the matter, it is possible to see things more clearly.
: So, if you interested, please continue.
: Background – I’m thirty-year-old Chinese American guy. My office job is
: very stable and somewhat boring to me. I grow up in China and immigrated to
: US when I was 18. Finished my education and got a job. Nothing special. My
| P*******g
发帖数: 70 | 14 Thank you all for the replies.
Her defense for AA is to feel she owns something. Everything she got is from
me, she wants a piece that is hers. So she can do the things she want and
not need to discuss with me.
We talked all night last night. It comes to this - she said she cares me
that she is willing to surpport the house with me. But she will go to do the
list of things like Europe trip and etc with or without me. Her definition
of marriage is two people share things they like. If they can't appreciate
the thing othe likes, just do it seperately. I guess I can live like this
but not having kids.
Another subject - sex. We used to have great sex. Two/three times a week.
Nowadays, maybe on Sunday morning. Even then, she told me she does it just
because she feel guilty not doing it, so she fakes it on Sunday morning.
That hurts. Well, I do have physical needs. I turns sex to touching and
hugging. She now saying she hate when I touch her boobs now because when she
says no I did not stop. To me, her no is not that clear if she wants play
the game or for real. I do stop when she gets serious though. Never forced
her do anything. She just can't understand why I'm horny all he time.
Guys, what I do with this? | x*****i
发帖数: 4035 | 15 you used to have great sex because she was attracted to you. intimacy comes
naturally with love. now she's frustrated and finds you unattractive, so
intimacy is out of the question. women generally cannot detach sex from
loving feelings, but men can. try to understand her. good sex will come back
when you guys get along with each other again.
from
the
definition
【在 P*******g 的大作中提到】
: Thank you all for the replies.
: Her defense for AA is to feel she owns something. Everything she got is from
: me, she wants a piece that is hers. So she can do the things she want and
: not need to discuss with me.
: We talked all night last night. It comes to this - she said she cares me
: that she is willing to surpport the house with me. But she will go to do the
: list of things like Europe trip and etc with or without me. Her definition
: of marriage is two people share things they like. If they can't appreciate
: the thing othe likes, just do it seperately. I guess I can live like this
: but not having kids.
| l******o
发帖数: 8344 | 16 你们两人三观不同，而且根据大妈我的人生经验，觉得你的更靠扑一些，你老婆的人生
观点也会随着时间跟你的靠拢
所以呢，现在你老婆念叨要欧洲游，那就游，让她自己去则，花不了几个钱的，如果肯
住青年旅馆，坐公共交通什么的，两个月，也就1万美元，我估计省一点可能6000美元
左右都能拿下。
话说你老婆估计也是家教如此，我周围的老中家庭，还没有让闺女上大学背学生贷款的
，而你老婆还能把自己弄破产了，够牛
跟你老婆说，人的三观可以不同，但是前提是她能够以自己的力量完成自己想做的事情
，她书没有读完，就把自己弄破产了，不是你的话，她连学业都完成不了，这个已经证
明她的三观有些问题。 | x*****i
发帖数: 4035 | 17 you do realize that she's a dreamer, more childish and less disciplined than
you? that's part of her personality, part of who you chose to marry. I bet
she's fun and imaginative, optimistic and full of ideas. if you love those
parts of her, the irresponsible part unfortunately comes with it. she should
try to grow up and work things out with you, but you need to understand her
and work with her too.
also, you need to realize that it's sometimes not much fun to live with a
guy like you - hard working, very pragmatic, focused on building your wealth
and buying a house, "materialistic" for lack of a better word. while you
supported your wife for years and bore the financial burden, did you put her
under much stress? did you pressure her about school and finding a job? did
you talk with her and take her opinions seriously about buying the house? I
bet she had different opinions but didn't dare say anything, because she
felt you've completely taken over.
anyway, it's a good thing that you guys are honest with each other. many
couples cannot talk on that level anymore, after years of bad communication.
now is the chance to take a new look at your marriage. learn to respect her
, get to know the childish aspect of her, validate her feelings, listen to
her complaints about you, try to understand her frustration, then work with
her to reach a middle ground for both of you.
Good luck! you're young and the learning curve is just starting :)
marriage
background
matter,
to
【在 P*******g 的大作中提到】
: Sorry about not typing in Chinese. Normally, your boss will not install
: Chinese input on your work computer. I’ve been struggling with my marriage
: lately and like to get some perspective from you who have similar background
: as me. Like what we always say - If one is personally involved in a matter,
: it is easy to blind oneself to the truth. However, if one is not involved
: the matter, it is possible to see things more clearly.
: So, if you interested, please continue.
: Background – I’m thirty-year-old Chinese American guy. My office job is
: very stable and somewhat boring to me. I grow up in China and immigrated to
: US when I was 18. Finished my education and got a job. Nothing special. My
| P*******g
发帖数: 70 | 18 I forgot how to enjoy my life and stressed myself too much with the reality.
I am working my way out of this. I joint the gym and bought my motorcycle
last week. I will learn to enjoy my life and enjoy the fun part of her.
Thanks for the Great advices. Sometimes, it is hard to discuss this with
someone you know. That's why we are all here, right? | x*****i
发帖数: 4035 | 19 good to hear. you're young and healthy and financially comfortable, enjoy
all this as a happy couple. don't hurry to have kids yet, wait for her to
grow up and for you guys to work out your differences.
reality.
【在 P*******g 的大作中提到】
: I forgot how to enjoy my life and stressed myself too much with the reality.
: I am working my way out of this. I joint the gym and bought my motorcycle
: last week. I will learn to enjoy my life and enjoy the fun part of her.
: Thanks for the Great advices. Sometimes, it is hard to discuss this with
: someone you know. That's why we are all here, right?
| L**S
发帖数: 7833 | 20 +1
【在 G***G 的大作中提到】
: Your wife doesn't deserve you.
:
: of
: fairly
: don'
| i***e
发帖数: 373 | 21 She is too young to settle down. And she is very selfish type. That is to
put it nicely. She could be taking advantage of you by marriage.
Only a small percentage of people are suitable to marry early. It takes time
, experience for most to figure out what life/partner they truly want.
marriage
background
matter,
to
【在 P*******g 的大作中提到】
: Sorry about not typing in Chinese. Normally, your boss will not install
: Chinese input on your work computer. I’ve been struggling with my marriage
: lately and like to get some perspective from you who have similar background
: as me. Like what we always say - If one is personally involved in a matter,
: it is easy to blind oneself to the truth. However, if one is not involved
: the matter, it is possible to see things more clearly.
: So, if you interested, please continue.
: Background – I’m thirty-year-old Chinese American guy. My office job is
: very stable and somewhat boring to me. I grow up in China and immigrated to
: US when I was 18. Finished my education and got a job. Nothing special. My
| w*******g
发帖数: 9932 | 22 here is deal
either you surrender to her and decide that her way is the only way -- her
demands may escalate later
or you get a divorce before you have kids
-- a Guy married for 6 years
marriage
background
matter,
to
【在 P*******g 的大作中提到】
: Sorry about not typing in Chinese. Normally, your boss will not install
: Chinese input on your work computer. I’ve been struggling with my marriage
: lately and like to get some perspective from you who have similar background
: as me. Like what we always say - If one is personally involved in a matter,
: it is easy to blind oneself to the truth. However, if one is not involved
: the matter, it is possible to see things more clearly.
: So, if you interested, please continue.
: Background – I’m thirty-year-old Chinese American guy. My office job is
: very stable and somewhat boring to me. I grow up in China and immigrated to
: US when I was 18. Finished my education and got a job. Nothing special. My
|
|
