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Literature版 - 【英文短篇小说】Sumner Street (5)
相关主题
【英文短篇小说】Sumner Street (3)英文短篇小说竞赛
【英文短篇小说】Sumner Street (1)【英文短篇小说】The Day I Died
郑清文短篇小说集朋友们去撒花支持我吧!
张爱玲短篇小说《色·戒》(1)[有奖征文]一首歌一个故事 (转载)
张爱玲短篇小说《色·戒》(2)分享几个最近看的短篇小说
海明威的一篇小说【英文短篇小说】Sumner Street (2)
A Thousand Years of Good Prayers【英文短篇小说】Sumner Street (4)
远离网络一个月【英文小说】Margaret
相关话题的讨论汇总
话题: she话题: ray话题: little话题: eyes话题: sound
进入Literature版参与讨论
1 (共1页)
l*r
发帖数: 79569
1
5)
“Are you okay?” a little voice asked.
Ray didn’t move.
“Hello? Can you hear me, Mister?” tender and crisp with a bit raised concern. It was a little girl’s voice.
Ray hardly opened his eyes and instantly closed them again. A low, muttering sound emitted from back of his throat.
“I knew you can!” the girl acclaimed and didn’t bother. She had gotten the answer she needed from the ambiguous frog-like sound Ray managed to make. She giggled a little before resumed talking. “Can you open your eyes?
S*******t
发帖数: 3956
2
sofa~~
l*r
发帖数: 79569
3
哈哈,比我坐沙发还快!

【在 S*******t 的大作中提到】
: sofa~~
M*********m
发帖数: 2024
4
In tears... I don't think he will just move to the other end of the city. He
will move to another side of the country...

concern. It was a little girl’s voice.
muttering sound emitted from back of his throat.
the answer she needed from the ambiguous frog-like sound Ray managed to make
. She giggled a little before resumed talking. “Can you open your eyes? I
have something to show you. Oh, wait!” She shouted and hastened to add in a
whisper, “It’s a secret. You’ll know tomorrow.”
squinty eyes, R

【在 l*r 的大作中提到】
: 5)
: “Are you okay?” a little voice asked.
: Ray didn’t move.
: “Hello? Can you hear me, Mister?” tender and crisp with a bit raised concern. It was a little girl’s voice.
: Ray hardly opened his eyes and instantly closed them again. A low, muttering sound emitted from back of his throat.
: “I knew you can!” the girl acclaimed and didn’t bother. She had gotten the answer she needed from the ambiguous frog-like sound Ray managed to make. She giggled a little before resumed talking. “Can you open your eyes?

l*r
发帖数: 79569
5
good catch!
那是一个遗留下来的bug,本来有情节需要安排在同一城市的,后来又推翻了,但是忘
了改这一句

He
make
a
sunlight
freshly

【在 M*********m 的大作中提到】
: In tears... I don't think he will just move to the other end of the city. He
: will move to another side of the country...
:
: concern. It was a little girl’s voice.
: muttering sound emitted from back of his throat.
: the answer she needed from the ambiguous frog-like sound Ray managed to make
: . She giggled a little before resumed talking. “Can you open your eyes? I
: have something to show you. Oh, wait!” She shouted and hastened to add in a
: whisper, “It’s a secret. You’ll know tomorrow.”
: squinty eyes, R

M*********m
发帖数: 2024
6
Ox ligament is really good at making up stories...

【在 l*r 的大作中提到】
: good catch!
: 那是一个遗留下来的bug,本来有情节需要安排在同一城市的,后来又推翻了,但是忘
: 了改这一句
:
: He
: make
: a
: sunlight
: freshly

l*r
发帖数: 79569
7
我觉得好像有点跑偏了
后面比较关键,有点把握不住了,主要是一开始没有想好构思,搞得现在越写越困难,
写第5节花了前面4节加起来的时间:(

【在 M*********m 的大作中提到】
: Ox ligament is really good at making up stories...
i*********s
发帖数: 2451
8
赫赫,引牛下山啦~
i*********s
发帖数: 2451
9
A little girl fell on the ground just in front of him, with a pink bike on
her legs, wheels still turning.
"bike on her legs" ? A odd image, sounds to me~
l*r
发帖数: 79569
10
好像是挺怪的哈,不知道英文怎么说,瞎编了,见狂笑;)
改了一下,是不是好一点?

【在 i*********s 的大作中提到】
: A little girl fell on the ground just in front of him, with a pink bike on
: her legs, wheels still turning.
: "bike on her legs" ? A odd image, sounds to me~

相关主题
海明威的一篇小说英文短篇小说竞赛
A Thousand Years of Good Prayers【英文短篇小说】The Day I Died
远离网络一个月朋友们去撒花支持我吧!
进入Literature版参与讨论
a******e
发帖数: 6689
11
结尾很棒,不过中间急躁了,跟前四篇比较这一篇陈述性过渡过多,不够视觉化。如果
分成两篇再补充点细节会不会更好?
l*r
发帖数: 79569
12
多谢!
你说的真是切中要害,本来是想写两节的,后来发现自己英文不太够用,另外也想提速
,就合成一节了
另外还有就是一直没想好Maggie这个角色,到底只是一个过渡触发,还是一个重要人物
,所以写的时候摇摇摆摆。一直到现在也没决定好,感觉写不动了

【在 a******e 的大作中提到】
: 结尾很棒,不过中间急躁了,跟前四篇比较这一篇陈述性过渡过多,不够视觉化。如果
: 分成两篇再补充点细节会不会更好?

a******e
发帖数: 6689
13
后面还有么?还是这就是最后结尾?

【在 l*r 的大作中提到】
: 多谢!
: 你说的真是切中要害,本来是想写两节的,后来发现自己英文不太够用,另外也想提速
: ,就合成一节了
: 另外还有就是一直没想好Maggie这个角色,到底只是一个过渡触发,还是一个重要人物
: ,所以写的时候摇摇摆摆。一直到现在也没决定好,感觉写不动了

l*r
发帖数: 79569
14
这样结尾也行吗?那就太好了,可以交差了;)
按俺的粗略估计,大概有三分之一吧,不过后面情节编不出来了,要再慢慢捂一下,呵呵

【在 a******e 的大作中提到】
: 后面还有么?还是这就是最后结尾?
a******e
发帖数: 6689
15
作为短篇的话,这个结尾很棒啊。不过这样结尾的话,这一节中间肯定要好好修改一下
,太仓促了;不过要是后面还有两倍的信息,那就无所谓了。
btw,我觉得这个6000 words哪里是短篇小说的量啊,怎么也是中篇了,6000
characters还差不多。我朋友写的小说,快300页,算是挺厚的一本了,也不到五万
words而已。

呵呵

【在 l*r 的大作中提到】
: 这样结尾也行吗?那就太好了,可以交差了;)
: 按俺的粗略估计,大概有三分之一吧,不过后面情节编不出来了,要再慢慢捂一下,呵呵

l*r
发帖数: 79569
16
好主意!待俺好好想想
6000 words 基本是最大上限了吧,不必非得寫那么多啊,一般兩三千字可能比較合適,
6000 char 稍微少了一點點,我這個5節都有8000多了

【在 a******e 的大作中提到】
: 作为短篇的话,这个结尾很棒啊。不过这样结尾的话,这一节中间肯定要好好修改一下
: ,太仓促了;不过要是后面还有两倍的信息,那就无所谓了。
: btw,我觉得这个6000 words哪里是短篇小说的量啊,怎么也是中篇了,6000
: characters还差不多。我朋友写的小说,快300页,算是挺厚的一本了,也不到五万
: words而已。
:
: 呵呵

a******e
发帖数: 6689
17
6000 words排版出来,普通的32开大概能有35页。短篇小说讲究的是短平快,搞出30多
页不就没意思了。

適,

【在 l*r 的大作中提到】
: 好主意!待俺好好想想
: 6000 words 基本是最大上限了吧,不必非得寫那么多啊,一般兩三千字可能比較合適,
: 6000 char 稍微少了一點點,我這個5節都有8000多了

l*r
发帖数: 79569
18
我覺得還行吧
要不就改叫小小說short-short story,一兩千字解決問題,這個比較痛快哈,就是更
難寫了。照俺英文的羅嗦程度,還沒說清楚呢,就要結束了

【在 a******e 的大作中提到】
: 6000 words排版出来,普通的32开大概能有35页。短篇小说讲究的是短平快,搞出30多
: 页不就没意思了。
:
: 適,

a******e
发帖数: 6689
19
这样啊。短篇跟中篇怎么分的,难道真是6000词限?

【在 l*r 的大作中提到】
: 我覺得還行吧
: 要不就改叫小小說short-short story,一兩千字解決問題,這個比較痛快哈,就是更
: 難寫了。照俺英文的羅嗦程度,還沒說清楚呢,就要結束了

D******6
发帖数: 6211
20
完了么?

concern. It was a little girl’s voice.
muttering sound emitted from back of his throat.
the answer she needed from the ambiguous frog-like sound Ray managed to make
. She giggled a little before resumed talking. “Can you open your eyes? I
have something to show you. Oh, wait!” She shouted and hastened to add in a
whisper, “It’s a secret. You’ll know tomorrow.”
squinty eyes, Ray sensed a blurred shadow dissolved into the bright sunlight
of June afternoon. An early summer breeze brought a cl

【在 l*r 的大作中提到】
: 5)
: “Are you okay?” a little voice asked.
: Ray didn’t move.
: “Hello? Can you hear me, Mister?” tender and crisp with a bit raised concern. It was a little girl’s voice.
: Ray hardly opened his eyes and instantly closed them again. A low, muttering sound emitted from back of his throat.
: “I knew you can!” the girl acclaimed and didn’t bother. She had gotten the answer she needed from the ambiguous frog-like sound Ray managed to make. She giggled a little before resumed talking. “Can you open your eyes?

相关主题
[有奖征文]一首歌一个故事 (转载)【英文短篇小说】Sumner Street (4)
分享几个最近看的短篇小说【英文小说】Margaret
【英文短篇小说】Sumner Street (2)【英文短篇小說】Oakcrest Manor (5)
进入Literature版参与讨论
l*r
发帖数: 79569
21
恩,可以認為完了,像小柯說的,前面應該在充實一下,不過沒興趣改了:)

make
a
sunlight
freshly

【在 D******6 的大作中提到】
: 完了么?
:
: concern. It was a little girl’s voice.
: muttering sound emitted from back of his throat.
: the answer she needed from the ambiguous frog-like sound Ray managed to make
: . She giggled a little before resumed talking. “Can you open your eyes? I
: have something to show you. Oh, wait!” She shouted and hastened to add in a
: whisper, “It’s a secret. You’ll know tomorrow.”
: squinty eyes, Ray sensed a blurred shadow dissolved into the bright sunlight
: of June afternoon. An early summer breeze brought a cl

D******6
发帖数: 6211
22
其实我不喜欢这个故事,你太坏了,把人给写死了。:(

【在 l*r 的大作中提到】
: 恩,可以認為完了,像小柯說的,前面應該在充實一下,不過沒興趣改了:)
:
: make
: a
: sunlight
: freshly

l*r
发帖数: 79569
23
我也不喜歡,從小就不喜歡看悲劇
原來的構思是這樣的,俗了點,但是皆大歡喜:)
http://www.mitbbs.com/article/Literature/31157821_0.html

【在 D******6 的大作中提到】
: 其实我不喜欢这个故事,你太坏了,把人给写死了。:(
1 (共1页)
进入Literature版参与讨论
相关主题
【英文小说】Margaret张爱玲短篇小说《色·戒》(2)
【英文短篇小說】Oakcrest Manor (5)海明威的一篇小说
Do you like him, Wolfgang Amadé Mozart?A Thousand Years of Good Prayers
Lilian (4)远离网络一个月
【英文短篇小说】Sumner Street (3)英文短篇小说竞赛
【英文短篇小说】Sumner Street (1)【英文短篇小说】The Day I Died
郑清文短篇小说集朋友们去撒花支持我吧!
张爱玲短篇小说《色·戒》(1)[有奖征文]一首歌一个故事 (转载)
相关话题的讨论汇总
话题: she话题: ray话题: little话题: eyes话题: sound