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发帖数: 6158 | 1 【 以下文字转载自 Prose 讨论区 】
发信人: qq228 (开始就错了), 信区: Prose
标 题: 明天是我下半生的第一天
发信站: BBS 未名空间站 (Tue Oct 11 00:10:50 2011, 美东)
这是老乔也是我姥姥去世那天写的， 不好意思是英文。。。同学们如果觉得好的话我
可以自行翻译的说。。。
Oct. 5, 2011, 3:39 pm. I was sitting on the terrace outside the
library, chatting with a teammate and enjoying the beautiful fall sunshine.
My mom emailed. Grandma died, she said.
My grandma was born in 1914. She died at the age of 97. A very long,
painful death. I was sad, but I was also relieved. Finally it was over.
This is called "closure".
When I was in primary school, she came to live with us for a few years. She
was in her seventies back then. A very clean, communicative and high power
lady. She would command my mom: "Uncle has come to visit us from far away.
We should send him off with generous gifts." My mom would obey without
any objection. I remember my dad was sometimes pissed by her authority.
But the old lady carried on, fearlessly.
But she was scared of death. She would teach me how to sew things as girls
should do, while telling me her fears. "What a wonderful world... when you
die, all these colors, smells, sounds have nothing to do with you. You die
alone, going to darkness... what a scary thing..." she would murmur. She
died more than 20 years after having those agonizing thoughts about death on
her mind.
I went home after an exhausting day at school of team meetings and review
sessions. I told the girls, "great grandmother died." "Oh, just like
grandpa did?" They asked. "Would she also be burned and put into a little
box?" The girls experienced my father's death. So at least they know what
it is. I didn't. My father's death was the first and only one that I
experienced among my loved ones, ever. The feeling of holding your loved
one's ash in a box. Can't describe how painful it is.
I decided to take a nap before reviewing my accounting notes for tomorrow's
quiz. I woke up around 9:30 pm and looked at my phone. Steve Jobs died.
I don't know why sadness suddenly hit me.
I had begged the lord to let my grandma go for months, if not years. I don't
want to die like she did. I would have ended my own sufferings a long
time ago.
I also don't think I care that much about Steve. Yes, I will probably end
up working for the company and I lived in Cupertino for the entire summer.
Yes, I saw him dragging his almost fleshless body across the Apple campus.
Yes, they once told us that he would speak to us and then canceled last
minute. But still, sadness hit me more than it should have.
I don't know why I started browsing all the things that Steve once said.
Things like follow your heart. Things like find what you love, both for
your personal life and for your career, and don't settle. Things like stay
hungry, stay foolish. Things like what if tomorrow is the last day of your
life. Tears almost went down.
I've been criticized lately for focusing too much on "me". But I also know
that I've been ignoring "me" for years and hence I was not happy. Most
importantly, I know that I've been trying to find happiness and I know how
it feels when I find it, just as Steve put it.
My grandma lived 97 years. That's wayyyyyy too long for me. My father lived
60 years. That's about right. Steve lived 56 years, a bit too short, but
length is not what counts. It's intensity that counts. I am 33, and don't
plan on living very long considering my life style and my emotional
fluctuations. Say I am half way through. Then tomorrow, tomorrow is the
first day of the other half of my life.
I want to live my life to its fullest. I want to be with the ones I love,
and do what I love. I will not settle. I will not try to fool myself again
by pretending that I am happy when I am actually not. I will not work for
money or fame. I will not care about what others think and what it should
be. I will listen to my heart.
My daughter taught me today the motto of North Carolina, "Esse Quam
Videri"---"To Be Rather than To Seem". Very deep. For the other half of my
life, I'd rather be happy than seem happy. |
