i*********s
发帖数: 2451 | 1 Tansy wasn’t sleeping well recently. Not because of the sizzling summer. Summer nights are pretty cool at the Oakcrest Manor, hidden in woods over riverside. It was because of that music, floating down from the upstairs. Every morning around 5:30am it started the first run, at midnight around 12:30 am it played again. And, stranger still, only one song even played! The thrill is gone. But various versions, version of B.B.King, of Chet Baker, of Vitamen A, and of some other bands and singers sh |
i*********s
发帖数: 2451 | 2 II
The song kept playing day after day. Tansy neither turned to Jason, the
landlord living in the house opposite; nor knocked her musician neighbor’s door. To her own surprise, she found herself kind of used or addicted to the playing. In early morning, she woke up but didn’t get up immediately, waiting for the song playing; and at late night, she can’t go to sleep, until the nightly routine started. Lately, a few more bands were added to her iPod, which she got |
i*********s
发帖数: 2451 | 3 III
It was only one month since Tansy moved into Oakcrest Manor.Everything
inside the building looks almost the same as her previous apartment, the
Chestnut Lodge. She loved to live there, and would have been stayed there
now. But things happened all in a sudden, leaving her no other choice but
walk away. Nevertheless, she still kept a copy of key to Chestnut Lodge.
“You must know Susie very well? My previous landlord.”
Tansy asked Jason, when he showed her round. |
i*********s
发帖数: 2451 | 4 IV
But, she didn’t.
She made up her mind to keep a decent distance away from Mia. It turned out
to be the right decision. And, that first month under the same roof, they
got along pretty well. Most of the time, they stayed at their own room. Not
much gal-talk. Sometime during a day or night, they could run into each
other at kitchen or living room.
“We are gonna have a tornado tonight.” Tansy said.
“Oh yeah, tornado season is coming”
“What’s going on with the musi |
i*********s
发帖数: 2451 | 5 V
Mia was doing something at her room, when she heard knocking at the door.
It was Tansy outside.
“Tansy, I don’t know you went outside. Are you all right?” Mia opened the
door for her.
“I am fine, Mia. I just need some fresh air, but forgot to bring my key.
Sorry.”
Tansy’s face looked a little bit pale.
A break outside at a tornado night? However, Mia didn’t ask anything, and
said good night to her roomie before turning back to her room.
A few weeks later, an |
l*r
发帖数: 79569 | |
M****N
发帖数: 16093 | 7 看完了，小服英语不错，读着很顺。
节奏也把握得不错，有tension，迷恋ex的心态也刻画得很好。
提点点美中不足，不够长。。。呵呵，觉得人物故事交代不够，和ex的故事好像应该稍
微展开下？
还有，为什么要用英文啦？我看小说一目十行，看英文肯定要漏掉很多东西的。。。 |
M****N
发帖数: 16093 | 8 btw，刚读完你这个，又在小柯版上读到反基督者的影评，我现在冲到wh俱乐部考古你
MEDEA帖子去了
～哈哈
【在 M****N 的大作中提到】
: 看完了，小服英语不错，读着很顺。
: 节奏也把握得不错，有tension，迷恋ex的心态也刻画得很好。
: 提点点美中不足，不够长。。。呵呵，觉得人物故事交代不够，和ex的故事好像应该稍
: 微展开下？
: 还有，为什么要用英文啦？我看小说一目十行，看英文肯定要漏掉很多东西的。。。
|
l*r
发帖数: 79569 | 9 挑刺：such a sweat neighbor ：） |
l*r
发帖数: 79569 | 10 I 的对话略显生硬
II, The next second, 那一段很酷，但衔接有点突然，前面不是具体的场景只是一般
描述，怎么就突然next second了呢？
恩，字词上先抛开不说吧，你需要再仔细过一遍，明显的错误还是有几处。故事很有趣
，想象很大胆，小说很有潜力。包袱应该可以解开的再巧妙些，Jason和Tansy的对话略
显冗长，这一段显得拖沓平淡了，如果能把一些背景揉杂到一些细节中，不必完全挑明
，也许可以有另一番效果。最后说，很好很好非常好，是能让我过目不忘的一篇，只需
再仔细打磨打磨就是一幅好作品。 |
|
|
l****r
发帖数: 5317 | 11 看完乐。赞一下。小刺有一些，不过情节很吸引人往下读。jason这个人物有点僵硬，
他为了研究和过去的经历而偷拍女生？我是tansy的话不会那么快放松警惕的。
Summer nights are pretty cool at the Oakcrest Manor, hidden in woods over
riverside. It was because of that music, floating down from the upstairs.
Every morning around 5:30am it started the first run, at midnight around 12:
30 am it played again. And, stranger still, only one song even played! The
thrill is gone. But various versions, version of B.B.King, of Chet Baker, of
Vitamen A, and of some other bands and si
【在 i*********s 的大作中提到】
: Tansy wasn’t sleeping well recently. Not because of the sizzling summer. Summer nights are pretty cool at the Oakcrest Manor, hidden in woods over riverside. It was because of that music, floating down from the upstairs. Every morning around 5:30am it started the first run, at midnight around 12:30 am it played again. And, stranger still, only one song even played! The thrill is gone. But various versions, version of B.B.King, of Chet Baker, of Vitamen A, and of some other bands and singers sh
|
i*********s
发帖数: 2451 | 12 天，17页呐，已经写的我吐雪了，你还要长！！
人物故事交待不清，那是肯定的。我对文字把握向来很弱，给我一台dv，大家看画面，
一目了然！
【在 M****N 的大作中提到】
: 看完了，小服英语不错，读着很顺。
: 节奏也把握得不错，有tension，迷恋ex的心态也刻画得很好。
: 提点点美中不足，不够长。。。呵呵，觉得人物故事交代不够，和ex的故事好像应该稍
: 微展开下？
: 还有，为什么要用英文啦？我看小说一目十行，看英文肯定要漏掉很多东西的。。。
|
i*********s
发帖数: 2451 | 13 我反着追到小柯那里，那个反基督者看着不错，顺便收了。哈哈~
【在 M****N 的大作中提到】
: btw，刚读完你这个，又在小柯版上读到反基督者的影评，我现在冲到wh俱乐部考古你
: MEDEA帖子去了
: ～哈哈
|
l*r
发帖数: 79569 | 14 给个link吧，这篇和你那篇
我在wh那个ghost town里没找到
【在 i*********s 的大作中提到】
: 我反着追到小柯那里，那个反基督者看着不错，顺便收了。哈哈~
|
i*********s
发帖数: 2451 | 15 牛筋细心，got it!
I, tansy和虽然是室友，关系是冷淡生疏保持距离的。想通过生硬对话表现这种关系。
不过，可以赶成娴熟的冷漠，嗯。
II, 听歌，听着听着，就睡着了；next second，就到梦里了。高潮过后，又醒来了。
see， i need a dv!!!
其实，原来的设想是，tansy和jason之间不止tornado一夜。这两人之间还有许多回合
。无奈，受限于篇幅，受限于英文表达能力，就让他们一夜完结，对手戏也很说教，我
知道。留待将来慢慢改。
挑刺：such a sweat neighbor ：）
【在 l*r 的大作中提到】
: I 的对话略显生硬
: II, The next second, 那一段很酷，但衔接有点突然，前面不是具体的场景只是一般
: 描述，怎么就突然next second了呢？
: 恩，字词上先抛开不说吧，你需要再仔细过一遍，明显的错误还是有几处。故事很有趣
: ，想象很大胆，小说很有潜力。包袱应该可以解开的再巧妙些，Jason和Tansy的对话略
: 显冗长，这一段显得拖沓平淡了，如果能把一些背景揉杂到一些细节中，不必完全挑明
: ，也许可以有另一番效果。最后说，很好很好非常好，是能让我过目不忘的一篇，只需
: 再仔细打磨打磨就是一幅好作品。
|
a******e
发帖数: 6689 | |
i*********s
发帖数: 2451 | 17 对的。其实原来设想，jason像个food processor，两个女孩的过去都被搅出来，又卷
进去。可惜笔力不逮，有点草结。
12:
of
to
most
【在 l****r 的大作中提到】
: 看完乐。赞一下。小刺有一些，不过情节很吸引人往下读。jason这个人物有点僵硬，
: 他为了研究和过去的经历而偷拍女生？我是tansy的话不会那么快放松警惕的。
:
: Summer nights are pretty cool at the Oakcrest Manor, hidden in woods over
: riverside. It was because of that music, floating down from the upstairs.
: Every morning around 5:30am it started the first run, at midnight around 12:
: 30 am it played again. And, stranger still, only one song even played! The
: thrill is gone. But various versions, version of B.B.King, of Chet Baker, of
: Vitamen A, and of some other bands and si
|
M****N
发帖数: 16093 | 18 啊。。。谁？
【在 a******e 的大作中提到】
: 这篇我以前读过啊，难道你是那谁的马甲？！
|
l****r
发帖数: 5317 | 19 我看的时候曾经想过jason是ex的父亲。。。
【在 i*********s 的大作中提到】
: 对的。其实原来设想，jason像个food processor，两个女孩的过去都被搅出来，又卷
: 进去。可惜笔力不逮，有点草结。
:
:
: 12:
: of
: to
: most
|
i*********s
发帖数: 2451 | 20 ft,懒！你同小柯那么熟，还要我跑过去帮你摘桃子！
http://www.mitbbs.com/club_bbsdoc/FilmStudies.html
【在 l*r 的大作中提到】
: 给个link吧，这篇和你那篇
: 我在wh那个ghost town里没找到
|
|
|
l*r
发帖数: 79569 | 21 哈哈，那就太twisted..
【在 l****r 的大作中提到】
: 我看的时候曾经想过jason是ex的父亲。。。
|
i*********s
发帖数: 2451 | 22 你是读过的，你还给我提过意见的，赫赫~
小柯当时也写了，英文小说，好像还有两篇，也贴过来吧。
【在 a******e 的大作中提到】
: 这篇我以前读过啊，难道你是那谁的马甲？！
|
i*********s
发帖数: 2451 | 23 you, drama queen!
good guess~
【在 l****r 的大作中提到】
: 我看的时候曾经想过jason是ex的父亲。。。
|
a******e
发帖数: 6689 | 24 瞧你这分身术！要不我还不知道你是谁哩！
我那个离写完尚早，就不贴无良大坑了。把在俱乐部写的《洞》搬了过来，多提提意见！
【在 i*********s 的大作中提到】
: 你是读过的，你还给我提过意见的，赫赫~
: 小柯当时也写了，英文小说，好像还有两篇，也贴过来吧。
|
l**a
发帖数: 6415 | 25 梦梦同学英语很好， 故事很不错。
Summer nights are pretty cool at the Oakcrest Manor, hidden in woods over
riverside. It was because of that music, floating down from the upstairs.
Every morning around 5:30am it started the first run, at midnight around 12:
30 am it played again. And, stranger still, only one song even played! The
thrill is gone. But various versions, version of B.B.King, of Chet Baker, of
Vitamen A, and of some other bands and singers : she’ve never listened to
before. If in some other t
【在 i*********s 的大作中提到】
: Tansy wasn’t sleeping well recently. Not because of the sizzling summer. Summer nights are pretty cool at the Oakcrest Manor, hidden in woods over riverside. It was because of that music, floating down from the upstairs. Every morning around 5:30am it started the first run, at midnight around 12:30 am it played again. And, stranger still, only one song even played! The thrill is gone. But various versions, version of B.B.King, of Chet Baker, of Vitamen A, and of some other bands and singers sh
|
i*********s
发帖数: 2451 | 26 意见不敢，一定拜读。
先去填填肚子。赫赫~
见！
【在 a******e 的大作中提到】
: 瞧你这分身术！要不我还不知道你是谁哩！
: 我那个离写完尚早，就不贴无良大坑了。把在俱乐部写的《洞》搬了过来，多提提意见！
|
l*r
发帖数: 79569 | 27 哦。。。
我是说你那篇呢
【在 i*********s 的大作中提到】
: ft,懒！你同小柯那么熟，还要我跑过去帮你摘桃子！
: http://www.mitbbs.com/club_bbsdoc/FilmStudies.html
|
